Pejay Rossi

Pejay Rossi - Regret

A Story of Regret

Dedicated to Dana

He was willing to give you everything.

Some people just have this ability to love deeply, profoundly, and completely. No matter how many storms they’ve weathered, they still choose to shine and they still choose to love. Despite all they’ve been through, they still manage to trust their heart and follow it courageously. And somewhere along the way, it was that heart that led them straight to you. At first there may have been a lot of uncertainty, but it soon became clear that this was no ordinary love. He was the guy willing to do just about anything for you, who knew when you needed him even when you didn’t say a word. He never held back his emotions and was never shy about telling you what he was thinking or feeling. Despite any mistakes he may have made along the way, time and time again, through actions, he fought to prove himself and his love to you. But for whatever reason you remained bitter and angry. Whether it was because of a few bad choices he may have made in the beginning, or the direct result of being burned so many times by those before him, you always expected the worst. For years the battle to win your trust and affections back waged on. But a person can only fight so long before they grow weary and break. And sadly, you broke him.

Blinded by skepticism and bitterness, you couldn’t reciprocate the kind of love he was offering. Either you weren’t mature enough or you just didn’t know how to let go of the past and appreciate what it is you had staring you in the face. Or maybe you were too selfish. Perhaps the timing was just always off between you both. Perhaps it was a little of each. Finally finding the potential “one” after so much heartache and pain has a way of fucking with even the most level headed person. And even after you broke his heart the first time, the second time, maybe even after the third and fourth time, he was still kind and understanding. But above all else, he still found it within himself to love you.

Not only did he find it within himself to love you after all you had done, but he was still willing to love you just as much as before. Truth be told, he probably could have loved you forever. Marriage may have even been a strong possibility in his mind. He had no trouble talking about making a lifelong commitment to you because love wasn’t something he ever held back. He might have lived in a world all his own, with his own ideas of how love is supposed to be, but he believed in love more than anyone you ever met. Even in the end you never really had to question his love for you. But he was always left wondering if his feelings were reciprocated. You knew how deeply you loved him, but you still let fear and unnecessary doubt stop you from ever letting yourself appear vulnerable in any way. If only you had realized how special his love was before it was too late.

You were too scared to see just how rare he was. It wasn’t until you met other people who left you feeling empty inside that you began to truly understand that you had made a huge mistake. Even on their best days, others who loved you would never, and could never, compare to the depth and totality that he did. And no one ever believed in you quite like he did.

Even when everyone else lost all faith in you, he had this ability to see into your heart, into your soul, and he just understood you and your intentions more than even you understood yourself at times. Even when you couldn’t see or understand it, he saw your true potential and actually believed in the person you were, the person you could one day become, and your abilities. He had so much faith and never questioned whether or not you both could make it through life together. And even with all your faults and flaws, he still thought you were perfect and looked at you with the world in his eyes. But your insecurities still managed to get the best of you. And it wasn’t until it was over that you realized he was the perfect one. Body, mind, soul and all.

Maybe, in the beginning, he messed up or had a flaw that still needlessly haunted your thoughts. It’s possible you became accustomed to disappointment and convinced yourself that there was no way things were going to turn out any differently this time either. But despite whatever doubts you may have had about you both, he never had any. And when all was said and done, all you could do was look back at what you left behind with sadness and regret.

In time you would realize that your greatest flaw was your inability to let go of the past and learn to love again. Like so many others, you were blind to what was right in front of you. And just like he wouldn’t have changed a thing about you, you realized that changing anything about him would make him imperfect as well. Suddenly you became painfully aware that his only flaw was settling for you in the first place. Especially knowing that he deserved far better.

He swore he wouldn’t love again, but you know that despite being let down by you, he would one day do just that. You know the type of person he is deep down. You know just how much love he actually has inside of him, and how much he genuinely has to offer anyone he’s with. You know he will treat them just as he treated you, and that the day will come when he meets someone that doesn’t make the same mistakes as you.

Realizing all of this, what you truly lost, you know you made the biggest mistake of your life.

So if you ever want to live the rest of your life full of regret, simply let go of the one person who loves you most. Do that and all the “what ifs” will haunt you until the end of time.

This is my story of regret.

Nothing to Prove

We may attempt to prove ourselves and our worth in many ways. Needing to prove ourselves can be insidious as we strive to be accepted. This is a basic human need.

When you accept that you are complete and whole, that you are not lacking in any way, you stop looking outside yourself for something or someone to complete you. When you look outside yourself for validation of how you should be or act, you actually give your power away to some external person or thing! It is YOU who requires your approval and consideration. You cannot find what you are looking for in something outside of you. You cannot buy enough stuff to make you happy; there will always be a longing for something more. 

You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You are whole and complete and wonderful.

Here Comes the Night

Here comes the night

Like a dream, like an endless sea

I drift away, lost in an ocean of me


Don’t need to take your hand

Nothing to lose

I’ll face these fears, like I know I should


And I, I refuse to close my eyes

Traverse the hellfires of my mind

Follow my heart back to shores

I left behind


There is an end

In your dreams, where it’s always been

Where the skies can clear and hearts can mend


And I, I refuse to run and hide

Will not give up and say goodbye

I will dry these tears and find

A place that’s mine


Here comes the night

Late and Lonely

Hey there late and lonely

Been seeing you around

Everything moves slowly

Whenever you’re about


Hey there late and lonely

So gloomy and so grey

Every room seems empty

When you decide to stay


Hey there late and lonely

Hello again my friend

For someone who can’t speak

You’re always in my head


Hey there late and lonely

I see you’re back again

Can’t help but to wonder

Has this become a trend?


Okay late and lonely

Your welcome’s up and so

Time for you to leave now

It’s time to let me go

 

I Need You

Thought that I’d be better off alone

Thought that I could hide

Pretend that I am fine

Can’t make it out here all on my own

And hard as I may try

Need you here by my side


Gets harder every day

Count the seconds I’m away

Never thought a heart like mine could break


Can’t go on

With nothing but a memory of you

Can’t hold on

I wonder if you feel the same way too

Can’t be strong

Without the one I need

To get me through each rainy day

And make it okay

I need you


Never felt quite this lost before

Like I’m walking in place

Searching for your face

And all the things that I am sorry for

I didn’t understand

The good thing that I had


Gets harder every day

Should have never walked away

How could I have made such a big mistake?


Will never find another

Made for each other

I know we were

Was so sure

Loved everything about you from head to toe

Your heart and soul, I hope you know

Every piece of me, misses what we used to be

Now i see


Can’t go on

With nothing but a memory of you

Can’t hold on

I wonder if you feel the same way too

Can’t be strong

Without the one I need

To get me through each rainy day

And make it okay

I need you

Heartless

They say our heart is where we harbor love. Many would argue that it’s the very place where love exists in all its glory. Perhaps there was a time when this wasn’t such a silly notion to me. But over the years, if I’ve learned nothing else about my heart, it’s that it has its limits. There comes a point where the depth and extent to which we are able to love others diminishes almost entirely. For some of us, there comes a point when, amidst all our pain and suffering, our hearts simply don’t have anymore love left within them.

Once upon a time there was a boy that loved. He loved deeply, and he loved completely. But somewhere along the way his heart grew cold and then it died. To fill the void, he began to steal the hearts of others to offset the emptiness left where his once was.

But to say he is “heartless” is a malapropism. Anyone who feels as much as he does couldn’t ever possibly be classified as heartless. What people might fail to consider, is that his heart is actually too full of feelings for him to find clemency, mercy, or grace within it. He is capable of feeling these things, but is unable to find it within himself to do so because they’re lost within a sea of darkness, which keeps him cold and unloving. Once he allowed himself to be overwhelmed with love, but it was taken away and so that sea rushed in to take its place.

Consider the alternative reality that those we consider to be the most evil are in all actuality the ones who are most adept at love. It’s like the saying goes: “Those who are heartless, once cared too much.”

 

Beyond Boundaries

Trauma, whether psychological or physical in nature, can have lasting effects on the human psyche. A person who has suffered mistreatment will often struggle emotionally and socially throughout their life as a result of being abused. Trauma victims are also at an increased risk for developing depression, anxiety, substance abuse problems, and a myriad of other emotional disorders. However, one of the most difficult challenges they can expect to face will be cultivating healthy relationships. This is due to the impact that pain and trauma can have on one’s capacity to love. It is often devastating.

It begs the question of whether it is possible to be so damaged emotionally that you actually cannot love again. As time goes on, those who are less able to realize their own self-worth may also begin to internalize specific behaviors due to their inability to properly comprehend their circumstances. These tendencies will oftentimes become consolidated, transforming them into a definitive part of the person’s personality, rendering them incapable of achieving any sort of relationship satisfaction. Additionally, it is very common for someone that has been exposed to high levels of fear and stress to gradually lose their ability to be self-aware enough to stay in touch with their own feelings, which in turn affects their ability to relate to the feelings and experiences of others (such as an intimate partner).

In the absence of these skills, a person is left with a diminished ability to both give and receive love. Incapable of identifying and understanding the real reasons behind their struggles, some may begin to question why they are the way they are. For example, after a number of failed partnerships, one may adopt the mindset that it is safer to be self-sufficient than to risk letting themselves get close to someone else. All too often, as soon as they love someone, they are quickly let down. It is believed that if they rely on someone, then they are giving that other person the ability to hurt them. Under normal conditions, as we grow older, we embrace the realization that life is very complex. We learn through our experiences that we can trust certain people in some ways, but not in others, which usually keeps us from making unfair generalizations. However, this is seldom the way of it when you start to factor psychological reactions to stress into the equation. In much the same way as a child deals in absolutes, so, too, do the victims of abuse. They learn to keep an emotional distance between themselves and every other person. For them, trusting in the present or the future is almost impossible when they’ve been hurt in the past.

So, knowing all of this, how are we supposed to allow ourselves to trust someone when we live in a world where it seems as though all you hear about is how people hurt one another? How are we ever supposed to allow anyone else into our lives after having someone that was once close turn against us in an instant? Can we really let down the very defenses that have kept us safe and, in some cases, even alive? Even within my own life I have struggled with allowing people to get too close. I hid behind the assumption that everyone was the same, and because of this, that I would only open myself up to more pain should I let them in. I taught myself how to seem friendly while essentially keeping everyone around me at a distance. Anyone that did manage to get too close was immediately pushed away, which was typically the precursor to me launching them out of my life altogether. But after five years of slowly trying to put the pieces back together following the grisly eight years of mental abuse, physical torture, and shattered hopes that would ultimately shape me into who I am today, I was somehow starting to see things in a more rational way. I realized that the very thing I had been using to protect myself over the years might, in fact, be that which had also driven me further into isolation. In realizing that I was stifling my own capacity to live a fulfilling life, I eventually began to let myself open up again.

I had come to a crossroads in my life where I had to decide to let go of my survival mechanism so that I could begin to heal and make room for something worth living for. There came a point where, little by little, people began to come into my life and teach me what it meant to be able to trust. The more I saw them, the more I trusted them. They listened, they followed through on things, but most importantly, they never hurt me. The closer we became, the more thankful I was that I had been willing to trust and love again, even if I did so imperfectly. I learned that when it comes to trusting each other, we as people need to accept that our past is not our present. Being able to understand that what hurt me before was not a part of my life anymore was monumental. It opened the door for me to build incredibly deep and meaningful relationships with people for the first time since I was a child. Rather than pretending to be friendly, I was able to truly draw out the very best within me and create a new reality for myself. These days I live my life by a different credo:

“It is impossible to go through life without trust: That is to be imprisoned in the worst cell of all, oneself.” – Graham Greene